ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
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Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.