When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
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When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Death certificates are our last participation award.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.