6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
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[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
i meant to share this earlier
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
(True)
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you