I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
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> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
⛄️
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
haha same
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans