I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
You Might Also Like
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Very problematic
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.