[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
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Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.