Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
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Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”