So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
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“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
another case of gang violins
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*