📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
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I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character