They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
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My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Many hands make light work
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.