Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
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I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
In space, no one can hear…
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.