Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
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she would like to bark at the manager, please.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.