Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
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Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
that wasn’t the question
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad