Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
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I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.