If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
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*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.