According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
You Might Also Like
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.