I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
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[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
this is how life feels
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there