Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
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My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention