Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
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Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money