kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
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*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.