BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
You Might Also Like
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I hate when that happens.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.