My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
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Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.