Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
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John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Cheers Twitter.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
*jingles half the way*
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me