me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
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Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Cinematography is my passion
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.