I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
You Might Also Like
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
being a writer on Twitter: