I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
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ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I’m just playing devils avocado here
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.