It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
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wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.