Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
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While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
I think we should hear other voices.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir