things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
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A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Running from your problems is cardio .
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.