[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
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Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes