It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
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I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.