“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
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GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
my sentiments exactly
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I did not eat the cake…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus