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At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
“Huge”.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.