People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
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Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.