the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
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Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.