After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
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*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)