i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
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Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.