one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
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Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath