good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
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I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
this was the best i’ve ever seen
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
LA today:
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.