One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
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Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
guilty
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.