I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
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A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Accurate
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Every work call, he judges.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.