Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
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I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.