Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
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If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
i really liked this one
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.