“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
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[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.