[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
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*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.