Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
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PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
This is me
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”