When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
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“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I think about this a lot
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say