I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
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Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
X-tra spooky blend
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning