I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
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“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Canadian owl: Eh?
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
decorating my apartment
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Children of the corn 🌽
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic