A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
You Might Also Like
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
All generalizations are stupid.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.